Shame has been around for a long time. We’re familiar with it. But that doesn’t make it good. Shame is never good for any reason. Shame is bad. Shaming words get thrown around without regard to the damage they wield in the human soul.
How many times have you been told shame on you, or you should be ashamed of yourself? Did it motivate you to act in a responsible way or just make you feel awful?
And then there’s the practice of public shaming. Shame is something that haunts people for years.
Shame is powerful, toxic and at its worst, it can be deadly.
I’ll show you what IS good because there’s a better way to deal with each other.
Shame is powerful, toxic and at its worst, it can be deadly. Share on X
WHY PEOPLE SHAME
People shame others for many reasons.
- They feel intimidated by someone or have been subjected to shame themselves, so they wield shame in an attempt to elevate themselves — oftentimes this is what’s going on in the heart of a bully.
- Others wield shame subconsciously projecting their own self-shame onto others — like when a child’s behavior embarrasses a parent and the parent retaliates with shame. This damages both the shamer and the shamed.
- Some have good intentions but don’t realize they’re causing harm instead of helping. They try to get someone to take responsibility for unacceptable behavior with shame. But that’s not what shame does.
Shame will never bring good. Shame destroys.
Shame will never bring good. Shame destroys. Share on X
WHY NOT SHAME
Shame doesn’t correct behavior but indicts and condemns the person.
Shame — a painful emotion caused by the belief that one is, or is perceived by others to be, inferior or unworthy of affection or respect because of one’s actions, thoughts, circumstances, or experiences. A condition of disgrace or dishonor. source
Shame attacks our inherent value. Shame says there’s no coming back from this, no recovery, no hope, you’re bad, worthless and deserve to die. Shame drives people into hiding.
Shame is a soul eating emotion. ― C.G. Jung
When we shame someone it’s deeper than words. It cuts to the soul and feels like death. Shaming has been the precursor to many a suicide. Shaming people is destructive and hateful.
Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change. ―Brené Brown
We are not what we do. Who we are and what we do are connected but they are not the same. Shame is judgment without mercy.
Shaming a person gives them no opportunity to take responsibility and make a change.
A BETTER WAY
When wrong has been done and change needs to be made there is a better way than shaming. Guilt and responsibility—which go together—will bring about positive change.
Guilt — the fact of being responsible for the commission of an offense; moral culpability. Responsibility for a mistake or error. source
Guilt addresses the behavior—what someone does, instead of who they are.
When someone does something wrong they’re guilty. Accepting that guilt is the beginning of change and brings the need for a response — responsibility.
- Taking responsibility can be a simple admission of guilt and sincere apology.
- Other times there may need to be consequences. Things ranging from time outs and removal of privileges for children; to community service or prison for adults.
Admission of guilt and accepting responsibility is good character which leads people to change and better themselves.
A person who helps someone take responsibility is doing a good thing.
A person who helps someone take responsibility is doing a good thing. Share on X
WHAT IS GOOD
Although it might seem trite—love is the answer, the ultimate good—the Bible calls it a more excellent way. Love has the best interest in mind regarding all parties involved in any relationship.
When guilt has been admitted along with a willingness to take responsibility there are times for mercy and there’s always grace.
What’s going on in our heart is the heart of the matter.
We all make mistakes. Mistakes are things we do—not who we are. We can change and that will affect our behavior.
Grace, mercy, and forgiveness go a long way in building character in the human soul.
Grace, mercy, and forgiveness go a long way in building character in the human soul. Share on XI’ve suffered debilitating shame from others. I’ve also suffered due to shaming myself. My own heart condemned me when I felt guilty of something until grace, mercy, and forgiveness healed my soul. All three of these flow from love.
It took me a long time to believe this Love.
I’m not the only hard head though.
In the beginning, when God created mankind there was no shame.
- Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame. Genesis 5:25 NIV
- And they are both of them naked, the man and his wife, and they are not ashamed of themselves. Genesis 5:25 YLT
Everything God made was good. Having no shame was good.
Then humanity became guilty of betrayal. The Bible calls it the fall. God didn’t respond or retaliate with shame. God chose another way, the better way.
Adam and Eve hid out of self-condemnation, just like I did.
God called out to them offering them the opportunity to take responsibility. Sadly, instead of admission, they chose to blame—a form of shame.
Out of love and mercy, God kept them from the Tree of Life that would’ve locked them in shame forever. Lost in their self-reliance, hard-headed humanity at large stayed trapped in that shame.
But then grace appeared and changed everything.
Grace says you have a choice and you are loved.
Everything God made was good. Having no shame was good. Share on X
WHAT NOW
- Shame lies, you are worthy of love! — A gift of love for you here
- Dare to believe your value — get this.
- If you need to, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255 Available 24 hours every
So very true and crucial to understand, if we are to enjoy the relationship God invites us into, and if we are to walk in victory for Him. When you spoke of Adam and Eve’s fall, I thought about how God covered their shame, by killing an animal and clothing them. He is good!
I agree it’s crucial to understand. When we don’t, we suffer.
Thank you for sharing, Valerie.
Yes He is!
Social media has become the hub of parents shaming their kids. It is very sad and disgusting to say the least. What happened to appropriate consequences? Why does the child’s transgression have to put out for friends and relatives to see? Is this the parents way of telling the world he or she is in charge?
Then there’s this: http://www.oxygen.com/crime-time/dad-chops-off-teen-daughters-hair-gets-highlights-birthday
Social media definitely plays the shame game. It’s awful. That story you shared is so sad. Who knows what else goes on in that family dynamic? I’ve seen many other awful examples of parents bullying their kids on social media. It’s bad enough to be shamed privately but then when it’s put out in public the damage can be devastating. Breaks my heart.
There’s a better way!!!!
Excellent article! Great insight and clarity. I know many will be touched by this!
Thank you, John.
Loved this, Danielle, and oh my goodness, that song!!!! Thank you for sharing!
That’s wonderful, Leslie.
I’m happy to hear the song touched your heart. Thanks for sharing.
Danielle,
Thank you for speaking truth into my life! You have no idea. I agree with John—many will be touched by this article.
One of the reasons I’ve been “less visible & active” in these groups and blogging has been the shaming that I’ve been going through at work. It reached a peak a month ago. (Workplace abuse is the technical term.) It’s a long and complex tale—just this morning I completed the first draft letter in response to a formal letter of complaint—half-truths dished up in a damning document. I’ve been involved in the medical field for > 40 years. We moved to a new country 19 years ago. What I’ve pushed for the past 19 years (to first do no harm in our dealing with patients) have been twisted and distorted in (yet another) attempt to not only destroy my professional credibility but also destroy me financially. It has been going on for years, but has reached its ultimate worst 4 weeks ago.
The writing, the blogging, the published novels, and the many online friends I’ve made during the past three years have all been part of the saving grace and healing, constantly taking place.
Perhaps I shouldn’t have vented here. But that’s why I’m only getting to responding now to yesterday’s posts.
Thank you for reminding us where we will find LOVE, where we will find GRACE (and no shaming)—in our living, loving heavenly Father.
Best!
Danie, I’m so sorry you’ve been going through such trouble and pain. Thank you for sharing. I’m glad you felt safe enough to vent here and Ill be praying for you and your situation. No shame. No condemnation. In the name of Jesus may The Blessing of the Lord that adds no sorrow overtake you.
In the past, people were ashamed to be on welfare and public assistance. This was a good thing. In the past, people were ashamed to have broken homes or illegitimate children. This was a good thing. In the past, people were ashamed of being fat. This was a good thing! These are all behaviors which ought to be discouraged in a healthy society.
We today decry “shaming” wherever it is found. We’ve come to think of shame as an evil which must be eradicated from society for the good of our self-esteem (Ego).
In truth, one of the primary causes for the decline of Western civilization is our fundamental lack of shame. If anything, we need more shame, not less.
Moral relativism has ingrained in us the notion that all paths are equally valid, that there is no such thing as an ideal society, ideal behavior, ideal man or woman. This couldn’t be further from the truth… and we all know it, when we are honest with ourselves.
We’ve lost an understanding of what “tolerance” means. Anything which is not inherently bad, harmful, unhealthy, should of course be tolerated. But to tolerant bad, harmful, unhealthy behavior or individuals is basically irrational.
Antisocial behavior should not be tolerated. Obesity should not be tolerated. Poverty and dependence should not be tolerated. Poor parenting should not be tolerated. Laziness and passivity should not be tolerated. This is common sense, but we’ve gotten lost in the progressive fetish for bucking the status quo.
It is true that shaming can go too far, or be applied to the wrong behaviors. It is true that the opinions of the mob can be stupid or insane. This does not imply that shame should be eliminated entirely. Shame is one of the most fundamental and useful tools for keeping a society functioning efficiently and effectively.
Shame fulfills the function of controlling individual and group behavior without resorting to direct State intervention, and this is highly desirable for maintaining a free society. Any time we can collectively correct bad behavior, without the need for government decree and bureaucratic entanglement, we should celebrate. With the loss of shame has come the rise of oversized, excessively regulated government. If something is bad, we reason, it should be illegal, rather than shameful. This inverts the basis for civilization, removing the responsibility from the citizens themselves and handing it over to an elite to rule over us.
If you feel shamed, and you know in your heart the shame is justified, you should be glad; your brain is functioning correctly. You should be grateful that others have shown you the error of your ways and given you the impetus for change. Don’t shame others for shaming you. Have the humility to admit your fault and thank them for directing you toward happiness and success.