I watched a program with a newly married couple where the husband made a mistake that almost destroyed their marriage. He lied. It’s something many people do and think nothing of it. But honesty is one of many ingredients that make a marriage last.

What makes me think I know?

I’m celebrating 39 years of marriage. That used to be the norm, but not anymore. Making it that long is quite an accomplishment.

• Many people struggle to make their marriage work yet fail.
• Some think a lasting marriage is absurd.
• Others throw the whole idea of marriage out the window.

I say they’re missing out.

There’s beauty and security in a marriage that lasts.

I’ve seen it.

I have it. Our marriage isn’t perfect. We’ve had some rough times. But we’ve made it through.

How are we doing it?

I wanted to know why – so I looked at my marriage and then asked a group of people what they thought made a marriage last.

Knowing many people find marriage difficult, I wondered why my marriage hasn’t seemed as problematic. Is mine easier for some reason? I used to think so because our pairing was supernatural. But I don’t think so anymore.

We’re still humans. We do dumb things. We have issues.

There must be something we do or don’t do that is making our marriage last. And not only last but making our marriage strong.

What is it that makes a marriage last?

THE OBVIOUS

The first and foremost thing that makes a marriage last is so obvious we miss it.

It takes both of you.

• Two people who make the same decision.
• Two people who form a partnership.
• Two people who make life mutual.

One person can’t carry a marriage no matter how much they try or hard they pray.

It isn’t half and half. It’s both of you all in.

It takes two for a marriage to last.

THE HURDLE

Not jumping over this single hurdle can mean the difference between a marriage that lasts and one that doesn’t.

It’s the big little word – forever.

Forever is a big word to commit to. It’s scary. We don’t know what will happen next week, next year, let alone forever.

The mind rages with fear-filled questions wanting answers of assurance and certainty.

But there aren’t any.

Marriage isn’t a contract based on knowledge and agreement. Marriage is a covenant based on vows and commitment.

Covenant is the reason for the old traditional vows that said for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part.

Til death. (not murder)

It would be abnormal not to hesitate before saying vows like that. Not hesitating would mean you’re not taking it seriously. It’s vowing commitment that doesn’t give up when life get hard.

This commitment forges a strength that lasts no matter what life throws at you.

A marriage that lasts takes genuine commitment.

THE CENTER

Because God put my husband and I together, putting God in the center of our marriage was a no brainer for us.

I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I got married. Having God in the center has made all the difference.

Many of those in the group I asked put God in the center also. It makes sense seeing God is the one who designed marriage in the first place. He established it as a covenant between Him and the couple.

Because He’s a part of the covenant and He designed it, it’s wise to have Him in the center.

A marriage that lasts needs the help of God.

THE CHOICE

Marriages are supposed to start with love. But many confuse chemistry and feelings for love.

Feelings and chemistry are good, but real love is a choice. A marriage that lasts takes many choices and choosing to love is essential.

Things happen and feelings follow but having a commitment to love will transcend emotions. Choosing to commit to love will empower you to make other good choices within your marriage.

Love does no harm. Love serves. Love honors. Love is not self-serving. Love lifts up. Love covers a multitude of sins. Love speaks up and corrects with gentleness and grace.

A marriage that lasts is one that chooses love.

BUILD TO LAST

Life is complicated and messy at times. So are relationships. A marriage that last is one that is built on many things.

Building a marriage that lasts is a process so don’t be too hard on yourself.

Building anything of value takes time.

As I said, I asked a group to help me identify what makes a marriage that lasts. In addition to the above, here is what they said.

• Communication — active listening (listening to understand and not just to respond)
• Intimacy — emotionally, mentally and physically (sex)
• Respect—honoring opinions without having to agree
• Willingness to grow together
• Friendship—when you’re married to your best friend life is grand
• Playing — laughter — a sense of humor
• Trust—this is more difficult for those who’ve suffered trauma, it grows with time when exercised like a muscle
• Love them more than being right
• Grace—everyone makes mistakes
• Good will toward each other— putting the other one’s interests before your own
• Honesty—not hiding things or lying
• Compassion — understanding
• Cooperation — happy willingness to help each other
• Support — encourage one another in hopes, dreams, and personal growth
• Forgiveness—not keeping score and bringing up old issues
• Humility — being able to apologize even if you’re not wrong
• Flexibility—life doesn’t always go according to our plans

A marriage that lasts takes many things but most of all it takes two people building—together.

WHAT NEXT

• What on the list can you use – or can you add? Please share in the comments.
• Get my book and read our story here.
• Join my email list and get some love for yourself here.

Danielle Bernock

Author, Coach, and Speaker helping men, women, and organizations EMERGE with clear vision of their value, TAKE ownership of their choices, and CHART a path to their promise, becoming Victorious Souls who Embrace The Change from survive to thrive through the power of the love of God

See Full Bio