To be resilient means something quite different than when I was a child. Now being resilient is a psychological term, an emotional tool. If you have resiliency, you can be resilient.

I didn’t have resiliency as a child. Sadly, my lack of resilience caused much of my childhood trauma.

Resilience isn’t everything, but it does matter.

As an adult it doesn’t matter how much resilience you had or didn’t have as a child, what matters now is you can grow emotionally resilient. I’ll show you how to do that and what it means.

Becoming emotionally resilient does matter.

WHAT IT MEANS TO BE EMOTIONALLY RESILIENT

To be emotionally resilient is the ability to bounce back. But that’s not all.

Before this word applied to people, it was a mechanical definition.

In an old dictionary from 1950, it means: returning to or resuming the original position or shape. Mech. (that means mechanical) capable of withstanding shock without permanent deformation or rupture.

In an older dictionary from 1940, resilient isn’t even a word that stands alone. Instead, it’s listed as an elongation of the word resile. (I’d never heard of the word) Resile means to spring back or recoil. It gives the example of resiliency as a spring.

Modern definitions immediately apply resiliency as a quality people possess to recover quickly from difficulty, crisis, stress, and hardship.

Resiliency is a psychological strength to cope instead of falling apart. People with strong resiliency can maintain their cool even in disastrous situations. It doesn’t mean they don’t feel the stress, they simply have the means to handle it instead of running from it or emotionally shutting down.

Resilience is not about gritting your teeth and getting through or sucking it up. Resilience is about honoring our need to ask for and receive help. It is important to remember that you are not going it alone. There is always someone who can help and there is always hope. ~Dr. Mollie Marti, founder, and President, National Resilience Institute

This is quite an admirable quality to have.

To be resilient is the ability to thrive instead of being traumatized.

HOW BEING RESILIENT MATTERS

Someone who exercises resilience grows stronger through adversity. It’s like resilience is a muscle they’re exercising, and they become even more resilient.

Resilience gives a person the capacity to deal with things and adapt in a positive way.

Resilient people live longer because they have a sense of purpose.

A Rush University Research team studied 951 men and women with an average age of 80.4 years. Those with the lowest sense of purpose were twice as likely to develop Alzheimer’s disease as those who were living meaningful lives. source

I want to grow in resilience. How about you?

Being resilient makes you stronger on the inside to handle life on the outside.

WHAT LACK OF RESILIENCE LOOKS LIKE

Resilience isn’t something you have, or you don’t have. It comes in varying amounts. A person can be resilient in one area of their life and not in a different area. Here are a few areas that show a lack of resilience:

• Unable to calm self and focus on useful action in a crisis.
• Seeing difficulties as permanent with no expectation to overcome.
• Unable to tolerate uncertainty or adapt to new developments.
• Inability to laugh at one’s self. Poor self-concept.
• Lack of curiosity. Fear of new things.
• Can’t listen or empathize.
• Unable to see silver linings or make use of difficulties.

These are just a few. But if you find yourself in them, don’t feel bad.

Wherever you lack emotional resilience, you can develop and build it.

TWELVE WAYS TO DEVELOP RESILIENCE

Feed an optimistic outlook.

This is more than just looking on the bright side, it’s looking at and recognizing your strengths while finding ways to overcome your weaknesses. You can take all your weaknesses and hand them to God who is more than able to handle them. He said that where we are weak, He is strong.

Feed your sense of humor.

Being able to laugh at yourself and life’s frustrations lessens stress. It empowers you to bond with others in difficult times. Laughter has many life-giving benefits in addition to building resilience. Laugh more.

Physical exercise.

Physical exercise will provide endorphins causing your level of resilience to increase. Take a walk. Join a gym. However, you can increase your activity is a plus.

Mental exercise.

Exercising your mind keeps it sharper. Resilient people are life long learners that learn for the sake of learning.

A 2004 study by Cathie Hammond at the University of London concluded that lifelong learning was associated with “…a range of health outcomes; well-being, protection and recovery from mental health difficulties, and the capacity to cope with potentially stress-inducing circumstances; … self-esteem, self-efficacy, a sense of purpose and hope, competences, and social integration. Learning developed these psychosocial qualities through extending boundaries, a process which is quintessential to learning. source

Feed your spirit life

Practicing spirituality plays an important role in overcoming tragedy. For example; prayer, gratitude, reading scriptures and other inspirational words. These things provide a feeling of connectedness and grounding. Being part of a group that shares your beliefs makes this tool even stronger.

Friendship

Friendship comes in varying depths. From deep friendships to simply being a friend by being kind to a stranger. Both the giving and receiving of friendship creates inner support. The Bible tells us two are better than one because a friend helps you get up when you fall down.

Practice courage

Courage is not the absence of fear. It’s making the decision to face the fear and take action while still feeling afraid. Practicing courage builds resilience in the form of bravery.

Know your moral compass

A moral compass is an inner guide that distinguishes right from wrong. Morals strengthen a person’s resolve in difficult times. This means you’ll be compelled to do what’s right even when you feel like you can’t.

Develop purpose

Having a purpose in life is what gets us out of bed in the morning. The stronger the sense of purpose, the greater the resilience. Having a purpose doesn’t have to be a grand overture or huge undertaking (although it can be). It just needs to be a fire burning in the heart, like a pilot light.

Take ownership of what is yours

Psychology calls this developing an internal locus of control. People who’ve been traumatized feel lost without any control. It’s true there are many things we can’t control, but there are many things that we can. Reclaiming what belongs to you builds resilience.

Grow healthy attitudes

Psychology calls this a growth mindset. A growth mindset will look at life’s difficulties as challenges instead of roadblocks. This empowers action and problem solving instead of self-pity or victim thinking. Growing healthy attitudes is done by reprogramming the mind.

Emotional awareness

Childhood and emotional trauma strip a person of emotional awareness. This is knowing what you’re feeling and why. When I was in counseling, I was told to journal my feelings. Just write them down. This was the beginning of becoming emotionally aware. If you know what you’re feeling, then you can be intentional in your response instead of reactionary.

Choosing to grow in any one of the twelve ways above will help you grow resilience in your life. 

WHAT NOW

• Do you know how resilient you are? Take this test to help you find out. 
• Which of the above 12 ways to build resilience interests you most? Let’s talk about it in the comments.
• Throughout this article, there are links for more information to help you – they’re the green words.
• Get a copy of my story of how I overcame here.

Danielle Bernock

Author, Coach, and Speaker helping men, women, and organizations EMERGE with clear vision of their value, TAKE ownership of their choices, and CHART a path to their promise, becoming Victorious Souls who Embrace The Change from survive to thrive through the power of the love of God

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