Shame is perhaps the most prevalent side-effect of childhood trauma and leads to many self-destructive behaviors. Its corrosiveness erodes a person’s identity as no other emotion can. Shame is incredibly toxic.
When someone is suffering from shame they feel deeply and irreparably flawed, worthless, and unlovable.
But there is hope.
Shame can be confronted and healed. I know, because I suffered from a shame-based nature for a long time but now my childhood self is healed.
Now I know my value.
- Is my life perfect? Not even. No one’s is.
- Do I never feel shame? Of course I do. Everyone does sometimes.
But now I know that shame lies, I am worthy of love. YOU are worthy of love.
I know the truth. Shame is never good – NEVER
If you suffer from shame you can be healed and find joy.
SHAME IN OUR WORLD NOW
Shame’s toxicity is rampant our world.
Some silently suffer due to childhood emotional neglect. They hide it, either on purpose (because they’re ashamed of feeling ashamed), or unconsciously (because they don’t recognize it and it’s gone underground).
Others sow it into the world like a farmer sows seed in the spring.
- Some have good intentions but don’t realize they’re causing harm instead of helping. They want to get someone to take responsibility for unacceptable behavior and use shame to do it. But it doesn’t work.
- Others plant shame by subconsciously projecting their own self-shame onto others — like when a parent is embarrassed by their child’s behavior and instead of properly addressing the situation, they retaliate with shame.
- People throw shaming words around without regard to the damage they wield in the human soul. Words like: shame on you, or you should be ashamed of yourself.
- Some feel intimidated by others or have been subjected to shame themselves, so they sow shame in an attempt to elevate or protect themselves.
- Abusive parents shame children into silence to cover their bad, or even criminal, behavior. This is wrong on so many levels.
- People do heinous things to others that plant shame deep into their victims soul.
- Public shaming has been used as a way to control people’s behavior in society and has gotten a new face with something called “cancel culture”. This is shame on steroids causing massive amounts of pain and destruction.
Shame is out there, but knowing the truth is the beginning of your freedom.
TRUTH ABOUT SHAME
There is no shame in feeling shame. Shame is a byproduct of someone sowing shame into you. And there is a way to get it out of you.
Shame — a painful emotion caused by the belief that one is, or is perceived by others to be, inferior or unworthy of affection or respect because of one’s actions, thoughts, circumstances, or experiences. A condition of disgrace or dishonor. source
Shame attacks our inherent value. It’s humiliating, dehumanizing, and can be deadly. Internalized shame is negative self-judgment and punishment saying there’s no coming back from this, no recovery, no hope, you’re bad, worthless and deserve to die.
Shame is a soul eating emotion. ― C.G. Jung
Words have power to build up or tear down. Shaming words cut to the soul and feel like death. The pain drives people into hiding. Sometimes they are the precursor to suicide. Shaming people is destructive and hateful.
Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change. ―Brené Brown
You are not what you do. You are not what has been done to you.
INSTEAD OF SHAME
Love is the answer to shame—the Bible calls it a more excellent way. Love has the best interest in mind regarding all parties involved in any situation.
When someone’s done something wrong, there’s a better way than shaming. Guilt and responsibility (which go together), or enforcing consequences.
Guilt — the fact of being responsible for the commission of an offense; moral culpability. Responsibility for a mistake or error. source
Guilt and consequences address the behavior—what someone does, instead of who they are.
When someone does something wrong they are guilty. Taking ownership of that guilt is the start. The next step is for them to take responsibility.
- Taking responsibility can be a simple admission of guilt and sincere apology.
- Sometimes restitution is needed. For example: repairing or replacing something broken or lost.
- Other times there may need to be consequences. Things ranging from time outs and removal of privileges for children; to community service or prison for adults.
Mercy, forgiveness, and even proper consequences are love in action.
If anyone ever had the right to sow shame, it would be God.
When he created humanity everything was perfect and there was no shame.
Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.
And they are both of them naked, the man and his wife, and they are not ashamed of themselves.
Soon they betrayed God. (Betrayal is painful.) But God didn’t shame them. Their betrayal sowed shame into themselves and instead of taking the opportunity God gave them to take ownership of their guilt, they held onto their shame.
Love is what saved them then, and what heals us now.
LOVE HEALS
I understand how saying love heals can sound trite, or convenient.
But hear me out.
I’ve suffered debilitating shame from others. I’ve also suffered due to shaming myself. My own heart condemned me when I felt guilty of something until grace, mercy, and forgiveness healed me. All three of these flow from love.
It took me a long time to believe this Love.
REAL Love is powerful.
One way we can apply this love to heal our souls from shame is to practice self-compassion.
When you choose to practice compassion on yourself it releases oxytocin that increases your ability to trust, calms you, and helps you connect to yourself.
Healing your heart from shame isn’t an instantaneous thing. It will take repetitive acts of kindness and empathy toward yourself.
Once you connect to this love that heals you’ll never the be same, because joy will drive out the shame.
WHAT NOW
- Shame lies, you are worthy of love! — A gift of love for you here
- Dare to believe your value —download this poem.
- Heal your childhood S.E.L.F. course here.
If you need to, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255 Available 24 hours every
