60% of adults have suffered some form of Childhood trauma. Yet many go on with their lives as if nothing happened until they have a personal crisis. The crisis may be brought on by the loss of a job, having a baby, empty nest, considering retirement and more.

At these moments in time the emptiness, shame, and underlying pain are no longer silenced by comfortable and familiar activities.

Change presents itself like unwelcomed visitor leaving us with a choice.

How you respond to this personal crisis determines the direction of your life.

MY STORY

When I went through empty nest I had a personal crisis. I thought I was prepared for it.

I mentally planned for this time in my life but my planning was faulty.

Instead of planning what I was going to do with the rest of my life, I planned what I wasn’t going to do. I determined that I wasn’t going to fall apart and have a nervous breakdown like I’d heard other women had done.

I shamed myself with an oppressive expectation of perfection due to unaddressed childhood trauma. But I failed to perform my measure of perfection.

I felt such deep abandonment but logically knew that wasn’t true.

Confusion and more self-shaming ensued.

The woman who had raised my children became lost in the rearview mirror and I didn’t know who I was anymore. I felt lost, trapped in my pain.

Then another crisis came.

My husband lost his job and couldn’t find another one. This crisis forced change creating more personal crisis. He and I sat down to discuss what we were going to do with the rest of our lives.

We made an intentional choice that altered the trajectory of our lives, and started me on the path to healing my childhood trauma.

The story is long but this was the beginning.

One intentional choice to take ownership of your life can make the difference between surviving and thriving in life.

WHAT ABOUT YOU

Do you have unaddressed childhood trauma in your life? Is the word trauma too big for you to apply to yourself?

One of the most important things I learned in my healing journey is “trauma is personal”. I suffered from unaddressed trauma for far too long because I wouldn’t call it trauma. Instead I dismissed it as my normal.

BUT then I learned 2 things.

1. That what I went through was not “normal” even though it was my normal.
2. Trauma is not an event. It is something that happens inside of a person without their permission.

Children are traumatized far more easily than adults because they’re incapable of processing things that adults can. Simply because they’re children. It is not a crime to be a child.

Unaddressed childhood trauma follows you into adulthood. It leaks because there’s still a traumatized child inside you.

Is there a traumatized child in you?

Trauma is personal. It does not disappear if it is not validated. When it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only by the one held captive. When someone enters the pain and hears the screams healing can begin. ― Danielle Bernock, Emerging with Wings: A True Story of Lies, Pain, and the Love That Heals

CAUSES OF TRAUMA

There are 2 obvious things that cause trauma. Physical and sexual abuse.

But there are so many other things that wreak havoc in the soul of a child stealing their sense of safety and value. These things are called ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences). Here are just a few. The entire list is much longer.

• Death of parent or other a loved one.
• Natural disaster.
• Divorce of parents.
• Emotional neglect.
• Witnessing violence.
• Learning disability.
• Serious illness.
• Not allowed to show emotion.
• Parent with mental illness.
• Public humiliation.

Did you deal with any of those? You might not feel like it’s relevant now, but if it’s unaddressed the symptoms will spill out under pressure causing a personal crisis.

Seeing if there’s leakage in your life is how you can know if you’ve sufficiently addressed your childhood trauma or not.

THE LEAKAGE

There are many symptoms and side effects to childhood trauma that leak into adult’s lives. Here are a few.

• Can’t remember your childhood much. It’s all a blur or a black hole.
• Vivid isolated flashbulb memories that leave out the whole story.
• The idea that healthy relationships are possible feels foreign.
• Panic attacks.
• Obsessive worry.
• Find yourself in toxic relationships repeatedly.
• Desire for close relationship but can’t trust, fear rejection.
• Emotional intimacy is terrifying. Vulnerability is avoided.
• Self-abusive behavior. Negative self-talk, cutting, eating disorder.
• Devastating anxiety.
• Feel unworthy of love.
• Ride an emotional roller coaster or can’t feel anything.
• Identity issues. Don’t know who you really are. Afraid of who you are.
• Trouble making decisions.
• Impulsive behavior.

How many do you struggle with? How do you feel about that?

What you do with what you see will determine the direction of your life.

NOW WHAT

Don’t deny your feelings and shame yourself like I did the first time. That will keep you trapped in the crisis.

Instead, take ownership of what you see and start doing something about it.

You can go from surviving in the pain to thriving if you’ll make an intentional choice to heal.

YOUR CHOICES

• Do nothing and keep suffering.
• Double check if this applies to you with this assessment.
• Let a course take you through the process: learn more
• Get help: counseling, coaching, read a book...

If my words aren’t helping and shame or pain has you considering ending it all please call 1-800-273-8255

Danielle Bernock

Author, Coach, and Speaker helping men, women, and organizations EMERGE with clear vision of their value, TAKE ownership of their choices, and CHART a path to their promise, becoming Victorious Souls who Embrace The Change from survive to thrive through the power of the love of God

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