Independence is a good thing. This thing called “hyper-independence” makes it sound bad. Independence is celebrated as an achievement so how could it ever be bad? There is a place for independence. But there’s a way it goes “hyper” and becomes a problem.
In this article you’ll find out what hyper-independence is, what causes it, what it looks/feels/thinks, why it’s not good, and the remedy.
WHAT IS IT?
Hyper independence is being excessively independent. It is an avoidance mindset that sets up walls around the hyper-independent individual. Another term for hyper-independence is counter dependence. It’s a deep refusal to ask for help and an unhealthy way to live.
At its core, hyper-independence is fear.
WHAT CAUSES IT?
Hyper-independence is most often considered a trauma response. The kind of trauma varies. It can be various kinds of abuse (emotional, mental, physical, sexual) or it can be from childhood emotional neglect.
Emotional neglect can come from having emotionally unavailable parents that cause “attachment” issues. Attachment is simply another way to say bonding. Children learn how to form proper bonds through nurture and mirroring. There is a lot to be said about emotional neglect that I won’t go into here.
Another cause of hyper-independence is overt narcissism. Narcissists are not ashamed to ask for help. Instead they arrogantly think people can’t measure up to their level. They take pride in their self-sufficiency, are counter independent because they want control – they fear intimacy and see it as dangerous.
WHAT DOES IT LOOK/FEEL/THINK LIKE?
First we’ll look at it specifically as a trauma response and then break it down into behaviors, or symptoms.
As a trauma response it is a survival reaction:
- Grasping for a sense of control.
- Seeking self-protection as a defense mechanism.
- Shrinking back in fear of being perceived as weak.
- Creating separation for fear of betrayal / being let down.
- Denial of self-care for fear of being a burden.
Behaviors and thoughts of hyper-independent individuals:
- Inability to depend on others.
- Fear of intimacy.
- Having superficial relationships – not deeply connected (push people away, display different personalities to people to avoid being truly seen, overwork/always busy so as not to connect).
- Have only a few close or long-term relationships.
- Controlling, especially in decision making.
- Think that their ideas are the only good ones.
- See vulnerability as weakness, even shameful.
- Don’t relax easily.
- Are always “busy.”
- Can’t delegate.
- Do not work well in groups/relationships.
- Often seen as secretive, or mysterious.
- They are overachievers – using “too busy” as an excuse to avoid social plans.
- They don’t want to need anyone.
- They don’t trust people.
- They avoid “needy” people.
- Feel suffocated by people who simply want to get closer.
- They’re generally lonely, fearful, and needy but suppress their feelings and insecurities. They’re look brave on the outside, but are scared on the inside.
- Suffer feelings of shame when asking for help.
- Make impulsive decisions out of avoidance.
- Perceived as uptight, snobby, reserved, cold.
- They bottle up their emotions.
- Obsessed with being busy valuing their work over relationships.
WHY IS IT BAD?
Hyper-independence causes burnout because of the obsession with being busy. It hinders your quality of life due to lack of social interaction, and isolation. It feeds a false sense of security and confidence when you think that they can do it all. No one can do it all.
Hyper-independence even leads to physical and mental illnesses.
THE REMEDY
Because the main cause of hyper-independence is trauma, the true remedy is to heal the wound that is causing the symptoms/reactions.
The remedy must start with validating the truth. You must recognize the symptoms you have, see that it’s a problem, and want to take action. Without this, no change will occur.
Choice is a big part of the process. The initial decision to take action comes first. Then there’s accepting the fact that change will be uncomfortable, and being willing to make yourself uncomfortable. Interdependence is your goal.
The remedy to hyper-independence is to foster interdependence. Close healthy relationships are interdependent. A person who struggles with hyper-independence will find interdependence difficult erroneously thinking it is co-dependence. But interdependence is the healthiest way to live. It’s how God created us to thrive in life.
Humans are social relational beings and we need each other.
TAKE ACTION
Choose one of these things to do so you can love yourself from survive to thrive.
Empower yourself for action by reading these 3 books:
Ask for help on some small thing from people in your closest circle.
Get help from a counselor or coach.
References:
https://www.calmsage.com/what-is-hyper-independence-how-to-overcome/
http://aware-ae.com/hyper-independence-as-a-trauma-response/
https://healthmatch.io/ptsd/hyper-independence-trauma
https://www.shape.com/what-is-hyper-independence-trauma-6890323
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/what-is-counterdependency.htm
https://www.ryandelaney.co/blog/counterdependence
