How much do you should yourself? Do you know what that means? Shoulding has been around for a long time.
Parents should their kids. Teachers should their students. Bosses should their employees. We should ourselves.
But it never brings about lasting results.
Why? Because shoulding people is oppressive instead of productive. Shoulding is shame based, not motivational.
If you want to succeed in your life you must learn how to stop shoulding yourself.
WHY SHOULDING IS BAD
You sabotage your life when you should yourself.
What do I mean?
Shoulding is when you try to make yourself do something that’s good for you because you feel like you should.
We’ve all done it. We ruminate on how we should do stuff.
- We should lose weight
- We should get healthier
- We should read more
- We should quit smoking
- We should exercise more
- We should get out of debt
- We should… and the list is endless.
When we should ourselves we think we’re practicing self-discipline, but what we’re actually doing is making it harder on ourselves.
We try, and we fail, and then we beat ourselves up. This is not an exercise in self-improvement—it’s destructive.
Shoulds undermine your objective.
I learned this when I tried to start a new habit, a daily practice of quiet meditation. I initially tried this new habit because I thought it’d be good for me. I should do it.
I didn’t succeed. I failed over and over again.
The more I failed, the more shame grew and the harder I shoulded myself.
I became self-attacking through the should and failed at what I was trying to do.
If you want to succeed in your life you must learn how to stop shoulding yourself. Share on X
HOW SHOULDING WORKS
The emotion invoked when we tell ourselves we should do something is negative.
- Shoulding ourselves is a form of self-coercion. Coercion negates the will and brings a feeling of threat and force.
- Shoulding ourselves brings feelings of shame. Inside we feel like we’re not good enough so we’re punishing our self or putting our self in jail. We want to be free.
The desire for freedom from the inner oppression wins through self-sabotage.
TAPPING INTO DESIRE
The way to accomplish what you’re trying to do is hidden in the act of self-sabotage. The want for freedom.
I discovered this one day while wrestling with a lot of anxiety. During that day I practiced the quiet meditation three separate times. The first and second time didn’t do much for me.
The third time I learned about want—because of my need.
Want is desire and a form of need, or craving. My need created a craving.
I wanted what the quiet meditation had to offer me and I acquired it. I found inner quiet and the anxiety was stilled. This increased my desire and craving to continue this new habit. I haven’t missed a day since and it’s wonderful.
The same goes for eating more vegetables, going to the gym, quitting smoking or whatever you’re shoulding yourself about because it’s good for you.
It being good for you is not enough.
What you need is to tap into is your desire.
When you truly crave something, that desire will empower you.
When you truly crave something, that desire will empower you. Share on X
CREATING DESIRE
We all have things we wish were different but the will power just isn’t there. We have no craving, no drive, no true desire. All we really have is that choking shoulding feeling. What do we do then?
I found myself in this position when shoulding myself about quitting smoking. Full story here. I found success!
There’s hope!
When you wish something was different because you think you should—but don’t desire it, don’t want it, you could say—you want to want it.
You can will to want it.
If you’ll employ that desire, that want, that will, and ask God for help He is more than willing to help. That is how I succeeded. There’s a verse in the Bible that says:
For God is carefully working in you both to desire and to do that thing which you desire. Philippians 2:13 Aramaic Bible in Plain English
God will give you the want to when you want to want to, just like He did for me.
So if you’re having trouble finding that desire, that want to—but you want to want it—pray—ask for help. Pray every day over and over and the desire, the craving will arise because God is faithful and He loves you.
Then you can do what you want to do instead of shoulding yourself.
WHAT NEXT
Where do you struggle with shoulding yourself?
Get help in whatever area you need:
- Help with knowing you’re loved—here
- Help with loving yourself better—here and here.
- Help with one on one coaching —here
This is SO good!!!!
Wonderful. Happy to hear it. Thanks for leaving me a comment!