Everyone gets disappointed. It’s part of life. There are big disappointments, small disappointments and everything in between. It’s no fun. Sometimes it’s hard. Knowing how to deal with a hard disappointment will keep you from falling into discouragement and despair.

Small disappointments are easy to deal with. We can brush them off. But the hard ones can become toxic if we let them.

We need to deal with a hard disappointment productively.

HARD DISAPPOINTMENT

I’ve been there. Twice this year.

The first was really hard. It was so intense discouragement and despair were like monsters looming over me. Shame was breathing down my neck because I felt I was over-reacting.

Part of me is embarrassed to share.

It seems silly now. But it wasn’t then.

When disappointment is hard, it isn’t silly, it’s real emotions that require attention.

BEING VULNERABLE

That first hard disappointment was that I didn’t become one of the top 10 finalists with my first book Emerging With Wings in the Author Academy Book Awards memoir category

Questions raged in my emotions. Why didn’t I win? Is my book crap? Why did I think I would win? Who do I think I am? Is all my writing crap?…

I felt devastated, emasculated, and invalidated. I felt like I should never write again, and go crawl in a hole.

I felt ashamed.

I felt it attacking my value telling me I didn’t matter, I wasn’t enough and never would be. Thankfully I’ve learned that shame is never good and I fought back.

Making ourselves vulnerable and sharing is one way to fight shame.

OWNING DISAPPOINTMENT

The first thing I needed to do in dealing with my hard disappointment was to call it what it was. It was disappointment. It wasn’t the end of the world. I wasn’t a failure.

I was disappointed—simple as that.

Owning it as a hard disappointment didn’t make it hurt any less, but it was the first step in my process in overcoming it.

We can take a hard disappointment and turn it into something useful.

DEAL WITH THE PAIN

After calling your hard disappointment what it is, give yourself space to mourn. You lost something and it hurts.

Allow yourself to be sad for a time. Refusing to validate your emotions will drive them underground.

Find a way to let the pain out. Writing is a great outlet. Grab a notebook and just write. Let it all out. You can also talk with God or call a friend.

Focus on releasing pain instead of feeding it to avoid self-pity.

DEAL WITH YOUR SELF

Now that the pain is validated and the emotional pressure reduced it’s time to look at yourself and separate who you are from the situation.

You are not what happened.

What happened, happened to you. It’s an experience that needs to be processed.

Resist negativity and degrading self-talk. Refuse to condemn yourself. Instead exercise compassion and kindness for yourself.

Validate your value.

Speak words of life to yourself. Affirmations, Bible verses, and/or positive quotes that encourage you.

Calm your mind and emotions. Take 1-3 minutes to quiet yourself. Put your phone on airplane mode and set a timer. Clear your mind of the chatter. Focus your attention on your breathing or the ticking of a clock.

Take a deep breath. Breathe in deep taking ownership of your value. Maybe place your hand on your chest to feel your heartbeat as you do this.

Exhale releasing the negative.

When you’ve encouraged yourself you’re ready to learn.

MAKE IT USEFUL

This is where you start to move forward.

Face the truth. Was your expectation realistic? If it wasn’t it will be hard to admit but doing so will pave the way for growth in your life.

Evaluate the situation. Seek to understand what happened, what was in your power and what wasn’t. What could you have done different? Problem solve. What can you learn? Look for a silver lining.

Sometimes we learn our greatest lessons in times of pain. Remind yourself you made it through. You’ll live. Then adopt the attitude of next time. Get up, dust yourself off and prepare to try again or find another opportunity.

If you’ll deal with a hard disappointment constructively, the next one will be easier.

MY EVIDENCE

As I said, I had two hard disappointments this year. The second one was much easier to deal with because of what I learned from that first one.

What was it? I released a new book this year and had high hopes for it to become a new release best seller. It didn’t. There were many reasons. Some I know, some I don’t.

I was also disappointed to discover typos. I understand every book has a typo but there was more than one (which I fixed).

Shame tried to speak up but I silenced it. I know I matter. I know my book matters and the message is valid. Most people missed the typos because the message still came through. I will continue to learn and grow.

Disappointments happen, but we can become better because of them.

WHAT NEXT

• What do you find helpful from my process?
• What hard disappointment have you been through?
• Get a copy of my new book BECAUSE YOU MATTER: How to Take Ownership of Your Life So You Can Really Live It can help you get over disappointments.

Danielle Bernock

Author, Coach, and Speaker helping men, women, and organizations EMERGE with clear vision of their value, TAKE ownership of their choices, and CHART a path to their promise, becoming Victorious Souls who Embrace The Change from survive to thrive through the power of the love of God

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