I was born and raised in Michigan but lived in Arizona for a few years. This move changed my life and altered my perceptions in many ways.
Perceptions are a funny thing. They are real and true to us but can’t always be trusted.
- There are gaps between what we perceive, and others perceive.
- There are gaps between our perceptions and reality.
Our perceptions can cause us to be robbed. The only way to bridge the perception gap is with truth, and understanding.
An incident in Arizona reminded me of how I bridged the perception gap earlier in my life.
THE INCIDENT
Having moved so far from home I dealt with a lot of anxiety and frequently felt unsafe. At first I worked close to home and usually went home for lunch every day. It was a respite for me. I had a perception of safety there.
One particular day as I was heading back to work I stepped out of the door into the blistering heat. I got in my car and started to pull out of the garage…but then I saw something.
In the center of the driveway laid the cover of my husband’s golf bag.
That’s strange. How’d it get there? It’s not windy, the air is still and hot…hmm.
I got out of my car, picked it up off the driveway, and went to put it back where it belonged.
Where’s my husband’s golf bag? Strange. Maybe he took it with him and dropped this?
I went back to work but my wonderings bothered me.
My wonderings were interrupted by feelings of overwhelming violation when my husband informed me that his golf bag and multiple other things had been stolen while I was home for lunch.
A flood of emotions overwhelmed me.
- Shock — We had been robbed in broad daylight while I was in the house!!
- Guilt — I had left the garage door opened. It’s my fault.
- Fear — I hadn’t locked the house while I ate lunch. I could’ve been hurt if the thief entered the hose.
- Violation — How dare they? That’s our stuff?
- Danger —What if they come back?
Bridging the perception gap here was to face the truth.
- I needed to be more careful.
- Even though we filed a police report the restoration of our property was unlikely.
The bridge I built through the incident affected only me.
BRIDGES IN RELATIONSHIPS
The first and most important part of bridging the perception gap in relationships is that it takes two. It requires the participation of both parties.
Good relationships are the ones that we feel safe in. But safety in relationships is costly. Getting to that place of safety within a relationship has requirements and obstacles.
One of the biggest requirements for safety is trust, and one of the biggest obstacles is misunderstanding.
I’ve had success and failure.
I felt robbed growing up.
- I never felt the love I deeply craved.
- I never felt my feelings were valid.
- I never felt my voice held any sway.
I felt robbed of value at the hands of many.
But I learned we can build bridges as long as people are alive.
BRIDGE TO MOTHER
After growing up I held deep feelings against my mom and blamed her for many things. A few years after I got married my mother invited me to lunch and asked me a question.
This single act by her changed the trajectory of our lives.
She simply asked me if I wanted to be friends. I responded that I did.
That day we began to build a bridge.
The major components to building that bridge were:
- Vulnerability
- Questions about perception
- Understanding
- Empathy
- Forgiveness
Knowing that we held the same goal of connection gave us the bravery to unpack our perceptions in front of each other.
We explained how we felt when the other one had done something we were hurt, angry or upset about. We saw through each other’s eyes and learned our misperceptions told us lies about each other. Understanding removed the perception of malice that fueled the anger behind the pain.
- My mother and I became extremely close.
- I give her the credit to the success of the bridge.
I had the privilege of being with her, holding her hand, when she died.
BRIDGE TO FATHER
My father died when I was barely fourteen. Before he died I felt unloved and afterward I felt abandoned.
While writing my book Emerging With Wings I learned how to process those feelings with the help of a counselor. I shared with her my reasons, my guilt and how I thought my mom had told me that he loved me when we built our bridge.
But I lamented that I wasn’t sure if I was making it up simply because I wanted it to be true. She helped me address perception because we react to what we believe is true whether it’s true or not.
My daughter found a scrap book my mother had given her with bits of information and a few photos. In it she had written “Your grandfather loved your mother very much”. When I read it, a flood of emotion followed. Gratitude, validation, and the feeling of being robbed.
- Robbed of knowing that “very much” love because I failed to perceive it.
- Robbed of the opportunity to build a bridge — because he was gone.
I’ve had mourn the loss of my father multiple times including no bridge.
BRIDGE TO SIBLINGS
I had two brothers growing up. One I adored and the other became almost like an enemy. I have no idea why I adored the one. I perceived him my hero for unknown reasons. Sadly he passed and opportunity to know truth is lost.
The one that became like an enemy actually acted on my behalf many times. But my perceptions and pain kept me from seeing him in truth. He suffered in similar but different ways as I did growing up, but we hid that from each other.
We both suffered so much shame. Until after some small baby steps of connection I opened up to him while writing my book.
We took courage and shared our differing perceptions and built a bridge.
After he read my book he sent me a text saying “…we have been separated by lies for over 50 years. I love you”. I still weep when I read that.
Since then we have become quite close.
Truth coupled with understanding, and the desire to connect, builds a strong bridge.
WE NEED A LARGER VIEW TO BUILD BRIDGES
Everyone deals with inaccurate perceptions but we’re not always aware of them. People process information differently and unless we open up and share – we become robbed.
When we think we know what people are thinking without them saying, we‘re wrong in what we believe – we are believing lies. Lies separate.
We all see differently – look at this picture and see how perception changes things.
There are TWO women in this picture – can you see them both?
You’ve heard of a Generation Gap that separates people. There’s a thing as a Perception Gap that needs a bridge built too.
- My mother and I bridged the gap.
- My brother and I bridged the gap.
- My dad and I had a perception gap that never had the chance to bridge. I was robbed.
“The thief’s purpose is to steal, kill and destroy. My purpose is to give life in all its fullness.” —Jesus John 10:10
The perception gap wants to rob you, will you let it?
WHAT ABOUT YOU
- Where has a perception gap robbed you?
- Do you still have an opportunity to build a bridge?
- The choice is yours how you move forward.
- Want help building your bridge GO HERE
Carpe diem and build a bridge while you can.
