I love watching little kids being their silly selves. They know how to have fun and express themselves freely.

My two-year-old grandson is truly a character. He dances and sings while he pretends to paint my wall with a play paint roller and brush. (I have a video, it’s hysterical.)

Both of my granddaughters make up songs and sing to themselves while they play.

Living freely out of their true self comes so naturally. They’re unfettered by what people think of them.

As adults, we lose sight of our true self and live bound to the shoulds of others.

Caring about what other people think in a compassionate way is good. It’s called being considerate. I whole-heartedly support this.

But when we fear what others think so much that we alter who we are, it’s destructive.

TO BE TRUE YOU NEED TO KNOW

If you don’t know who you are, and what you like, you can’t be true to yourself.

I still remember an incident from many years ago. I noticed I didn’t know myself. It was a silly thing. My husband and I went over to a friend’s house to hang out. My girlfriend had bought me a bag of cheese-flavored chips telling me “I know you like cheese”.

I was surprised. I didn’t realize I liked cheese.

How did she know, and I didn’t? Clearly, I didn’t know myself.

You can’t be your true self if you don’t know who that is.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO KNOW YOURSELF?

When someone asks, Who are you? you answer with your name.

But you’re not your name.

You’re not your age, your race, your nationality, or your job either. These are things about you. But they’re not who you are. They describe things about you or label things you do. They don’t define you.

Who you are is inside you.

Knowing yourself is knowing your inner person.

• It is your likes. dislikes, and inclinations.
• It is your hopes, dreams, and beliefs.
• It is your thoughts, feelings, and opinions apart from outside coercion.
• It is your inner life.

Knowing, and being able to express who you are with confidence is freeing.

HOW DO YOU GET TO KNOW YOURSELF?

It takes time, courage, and honesty. Getting real with yourself is the pathway. Some people can do it themselves. Others need outside help like I did.

I didn’t realize how much I didn’t know myself until I went into counseling to write my memoir Emerging With Wings. That’s where my journey began.

I discovered I lived my life at the direction of others instead of out of my own self freely. I’ve come a long long way.

Knowing yourself and living freely takes work.

LOOK

Pay attention and observe yourself. Notice what appeals to you, attracts you. Notice what feels easy or comfortable to you.

• What do you spend the most time doing?
• What distracts you?
• What are your favorite books, songs, and movies?
• What do you like to eat?

I like cheese. It’s my favorite food. Muenster cheese is my favorite.

One of my grandsons’ favorites is ketchup. He even likes it on pancakes. I don’t like ketchup, so I think that’s disgusting, but he thinks it’s wonderful and that’s just fine. He has the right to like what he likes.

You have the right to like what you like.

Take note of what you like.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

LISTEN

Intentionally listen to your thoughts. What are you thinking about? How do you think about yourself? Are your thoughts positive or negative?

Listen to your emotions. How loud are they? Do you understand them? Do they bully you or help you?

Listen to the words you say. What tone do they carry? Do they build up or tear down? Are they different toward others than they are toward yourself?

Listen to your body, how you feel in situations. Are you emotionally comfortable? Is your body tense or relaxed?

Take note of what you heard.

LEARN

Combine what you observed and heard together to learn. Did anything surprise you? Was it hard to look at and listen to yourself? If so, there’s a reason.

It was hard for me. I negated my likes and dislikes, my feelings and needs. I had to learn to validate myself.

I have a right to feel what I feel even if someone else does not like it or I cannot find the words to describe or explain…I have a right to have needs, communicate them and to be heard. Having needs is not evidence of weakness – it is human. Needs met feed our wellbeing. They are individual and relative. Everyone deserves to have their needs met. I am learning to identify them in my life. I believe that the unmet needs in our lives talk. They talk trash. (from Emerging With Wings)

Do you have unmet needs talking trash to you? Are you mean to yourself?

Are you confident or uncomfortable with yourself?

Does where you spend your time, and what you say, align with what you say you believe? If yes – celebrate. If no, don’t beat yourself up. Now you know, and you can do something about it. Celebrate your new knowledge.

Are the things you do out of free choice? Or do you act out of fear and coercion? Is this an area to grow in? There is so much to learn, and it takes a lifetime to do it.

Learn who you are. The person you are when no one is looking.

LOVE YOURSELF

If you discovered parts of you that you didn’t like, exercise self-compassion. Forgive yourself where you need to. Give yourself grace for change. Love yourself despite your imperfections. Remind yourself how much God loves you—nothing can separate you from His love.

• No matter what you noticed when you looked at yourself – you are loved.
• No matter what you heard when you listened to yourself – you are loved.
• Accept who you are – you are loved.

You’ll have good days and bad days. If you want God’s help, just ask Him.

We all have little quirks—like ketchup on pancakes.

Freely love who you truly are.

LIVE FREE

Look, listen, and learn. Love your true self and grow.

Be true to who you are even when others may not like it. Not everyone likes ketchup on pancakes.

Be true—Live Free!

WHAT NEXT

• Share in the comments what in this article helps you.
• For help with listening, get the book The Listening Life here.
• For help with validating your needs, get the book *Emerging With Wings here.
• For help knowing you are loved, get the eBook Love’s Manifesto FREE here.

Danielle Bernock

Author, Coach, and Speaker helping men, women, and organizations EMERGE with clear vision of their value, TAKE ownership of their choices, and CHART a path to their promise, becoming Victorious Souls who Embrace The Change from survive to thrive through the power of the love of God

See Full Bio