Relationships are a major part of our lives. Introverts and extroverts alike. It’s not how many we have but how healthy they are that matters. Trust is necessary for the wellbeing of all relationships—business, marital, parental and friendship. Without it, a relationship will eventually disintegrate.

Trust is foundational and needs to be built. The stronger the trust, the stronger the relationship.

It takes time to build trust. Stephen Covey in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People talks about an emotional bank account. He calls it:

a metaphor that describes the amount of trust that’s been built up in a relationship. It’s the feeling of safeness you have with another human being.

This feeling of safeness doesn’t happen all by itself. It’s built over time just like a financial portfolio.

If we want to be wealthy in our relationships we need to be depositing things that build trust.

Here are 10 major deposits to be made.

Value

To add value to a relationship we need to make the other person feel valued. If a person is important to us we need to care about what’s important to them—even when that thing isn’t important to us.

For example, your friend loves to play softball and you find it boring. Every year they join a league and invite you to come watch. Your response tells them how much you value them by how much you value what they love. Showing up and cheering them on, especially if they know you don’t like softball—shows them they’re important to you. This makes a major deposit.

Attentiveness

Little things mean a lot. We hear it but forget it. We need to be mindful of how we communicate. Being kind, courteous, and showing respect is important. People pick up on these things in something as simple as our tone of voice.

Remembering dates like anniversaries and birthdays say you’re paying attention and they matter. But also, other more obscure ones that are important to them make a double deposit.

For example, your friend lost their mom last year and Mother’s Day is on the horizon. It’ll be their first one without their mom so you let them know you’re aware this is happening and offer your support in whatever way they need.

When the people we love stop paying attention, trust begins to slip away and hurt starts seeping in. Brene Brown

Honor

Respecting someone’s time and keeping your word are two big ways of depositing honor. Another is following through on a commitment. It’s better to be slow to make a promise than to break one. We honor the other person and ourselves when we take time to consider before making a decision or commitment. Broken promises and failure to follow through are large withdrawals.

Other examples of depositing honor are showing up when you’ve sent a yes rsvp, sending the rsvp in the first place, saying no when you need to, and accepting the other person’s no.

Understanding

Understanding is gained through thorough communication. Active listening and asking questions are important parts to making sure you’re both on the same page. Clarify what you expect or what is expected of you.

For example, before our daughter got married she asked to move back into our house to save money. Prior to allowing this we sat down with her and her fiancé and discussed expectations and needs. Everyone had a voice and we discussed details. Because everyone had a say and knew what was expected of them, things went very well.

Constancy

To deposit constancy, who you are doesn’t change with who you’re with. This shows integrity. Acting like a friend to someone’s face but talking behind their back demonstrates duplicity. Being constant is honoring the truth in your behavior. It’s being loyal those who are not present.

For example, keeping a trusted secret or defending someone who isn’t there to defend themselves.

Trust is built with consistency. Lincoln Chafee

Vulnerability

Be honest about your feelings. Don’t hide. Sharing of yourself demonstrates you’re trusting them. It’s easier to trust someone who trusts you. It takes courage to make this deposit making it of high value.

For example, your spouse has been working late a lot. At first, it didn’t bother you but now you’re feeling differently. Last they knew, it didn’t bother you and they’re raking in the overtime. Trust here would be sharing your feelings and letting them share theirs—talking it out.

We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone – but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy. Walter Anderson

Perspective

All we know is how we see. I see differently than you and vice versa. When a difficulty arises give the benefit of the doubt. Ask questions. Perhaps there was a misunderstanding. Look at problems as an opportunity to build instead of a reason to pull away.

Gaining the advantage of the other person’s perspective not only builds the relationship, it enlarges our world.

Responsibility

The responsibility I’m referring to here is when something goes wrong. Be willing to take responsibility when you screw up. Everyone screws up. Be sincere in your apology. This includes taking steps to not repeat the offense.

People can tell if an apology is genuine or self-serving. If they don’t respond with forgiveness either the apology wasn’t sincere and you didn’t take the responsibility, or the offense has been repeated too many times.

Gratitude

Nothing wears slowly on a relationship like taking it for granted. Expressing appreciation for the relationship and for things they do or say builds it up.

For example, a simple sentence from the heart like I’m so glad we spent time together today can be a big deposit. Or another example is I haven’t seen you in a while and I miss you.

Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it. William Arthur Ward

Grace

Think of it as Overdraft Protection. As stated in the section on responsibility—we all screw up. There is no perfect relationship. Be forgiving when others make mistakes because you want them to be that way with you.

Giving grace is easier when the trust level is high.

What Next

• What is your experience with trust?
• Which of the above deposits do you value the most?
• Choose one to take action on.

I choose gratitude – thank you for being one of my beloved readers. You matter to me!

Dare to believe your value!

Danielle Bernock

Author, Coach, and Speaker helping men, women, and organizations EMERGE with clear vision of their value, TAKE ownership of their choices, and CHART a path to their promise, becoming Victorious Souls who Embrace The Change from survive to thrive through the power of the love of God

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